Uninvited
by BowsLB
Summary: Sam reflects. "Uninvited thoughts and gut reactions haunted Sam. He would come across an important piece of information during research and think 'I need to tell Dean…'" Assume spoilers through season 5.


Uninvited

It was late in the evening. Sam was waiting in the Impala for Dean. As he waited, his thoughts inevitably found their way back to the time when Dean was gone. It was like a festering wound that wouldn't heal. There was no escaping it, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He liked to stay busy because when he didn't, it all came back to him. Some pain never heals:

Dean was gone. Sam would always have trouble accepting that. In a world where anything seemed possible, it was hard to accept that he would never see Dean again. That seemed more impossible than any of the crazy things they had faced together. But hour after tedious hour, he found no relief. None of his plans to bring Dean back were working, and his desperation increased.

It would have been an understatement to say that everything changed when the hell hounds came for Dean. Sam's life completely shifted focus. Where before it had been a mixture of revenge, being a hero when needed, the excitement of the hunt, later to find a way to keep Dean alive, now it was singularly focused. Nothing mattered anymore except finding a way to bring him back… everything else was just details.

Every morning, Sam woke with a hollow ache in his chest. It never left, never eased. It just sat in place of his heart as a constant reminder of his failure, his guilt. A constant reminder that no matter who or what came into his life, he would always be alone without his brother. The only time the ache changed was when instead of feeling hollow, it felt like lead: immovable and impenetrable. It was during those times when he had to make himself get out of bed and keep searching. His worst fear was becoming complacent and missing an opportunity to bring Dean back.

There was only one thing worse than the constant ache of combined failure, guilt, and grief. The one thing that shredded his aching heart more than anything else came when he least expected it. Uninvited thoughts and gut reactions haunted Sam. He would come across an important piece of information during research and think "I need to tell Dean…" On a hunt, he'd have a passing worry about Dean's safety.

When Sam caught his thought, immediately realizing that there was no more Dean to tell or save… that moment was the worst of all. It was a fresh blade in his side, as though he were reliving the ordeal all over again. And it always cut deep, without any relief.

Old habits die hard they say, none more so than the habit of thoughts. Sam couldn't control his thoughts anymore than he could control the tide. Dean was always on his mind, but without volition, his thoughts betrayed him. Over and over again, he had to remember he couldn't tell his brother anything. Dean wasn't waiting for him. Dean wouldn't care that he'd faithfully maintained the Impala. Dean had no need to stop at his favorite diner on Route 11.

Now, as Sam sat waiting, his thoughts betrayed him all over again. Though he was currently waiting for a flesh-and-blood Dean, Sam now caught himself wondering what he was waiting for. More painful than reliving Dean's death was the realization that as much as Sam hated those misplaced thoughts of Dean's opinion or having to tell him something, his thoughts had started to change. Now, his thoughts made him realize something more terrible than anything else.

Somewhere along the line, at some point in those empty, desperate months, Sam started to really believe that Dean was gone. And that was the most unwelcome thought he'd ever had.

A/n: This one was really tough. Someone really important to me passed away not long ago, and the most heartbreaking part was when her husband mentioned his passing thought that he had to tell her that I'd arrived. And later when he said he wondered if she was ready to leave, as we were getting ready to go. This really stuck with me and I think Sam's perspective of this is probably the most complicated it could possibly be for a person. I imagine that aside from the crushing guilt over the circumstances, this would be the most difficult part for him. Thanks for reading, everyone. Review if you feel so moved. I appreciate any help I can get with my writing.


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